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A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence

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Look! A Header Entry! [Jun. 14th, 2010|05:30 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
These aren't the droids updates you're looking for.

I pop in here from time to time, but mostly I'm keeping it real over on the westside at internetsensation.com. You can join the RSS feed if you're so inclined. I think it's brilliant, but I'm biased. My wife thinks it's hilarious, but then again she married me so she's a bit delusional. My dentist adores it, but he may have just been saying that to make conversation.
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Get An Online Degree In Two Months! [Aug. 19th, 2009|08:51 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
I am not some corporate whore.  I would never use my is_feed to flood your friends page with mindless blather about work from home opportunities and marketing courses.  I have far more integrity than that, which is why I can tell you about these new non-prescription pills that are 100% GUARANTEED to improve your size and endurance.

If you go to http://www.livejournal.com/friends/add.bml?user=is_feed and click on the "Remove" button all that crap will disappear.  Sorry, the syndicated feed system here at LJ sucks and I can't just kill it off (that I'm aware of).

If you don't know what any of this is about, that means you never subscribed to my dearly departed website and you're a terrible person.  I'm not sharing my penis pills with you.
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Prepare to Envy Me [May. 5th, 2009|11:15 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
After my successful foray into video game reviews, 29-95.com asked me what else I'd like to write. I wasn't sure either, so I took a look at my resume to see what I was qualified for:

Ian Cheesman
http://iancheesman.wordpress.com
 
Goal: To seek a creative position in the Lulz Industry

Education
  • Watched "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" like 200 times
  • Attended the Cracked Academy of Fine Arts/Dick Jokes

Skills
  • Maintained vigilance in making it my duty to please that booty
  • Alcoholism
  • Can string together words in some loose semblance of a sentence
  • Cirrhosis
  • Running down multiple blogs at one time

 


Suddenly it became very clear what my dream job was.  If I could find a way to write about alcohol and tank another website in the process, I would secure the ultimate niche.  

29-95.com - you just got NICHE'D!

It's my new, semi-regular beer review column.  I am now getting paid to drink beer.  If you're having trouble reading that, it's the tears of jealousy welling up in your eyes.

Of course, being me, it can't be just a regular beer review.  Not only will it include pointed and insightful commentary about beer, but it will have racism, scatalogical humor and all the jokes in between.  When I start off the series trying to review Corona Extra in earnest, you know it's not taking itself too seriously.

Anyway, for the two people out there that still care about me, I hope you enjoy.
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An Industry Prepares To Feel My Wrath [Apr. 2nd, 2009|11:51 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
The thing about being a literary court jester is that I am very seldom called upon for my opinion. I am expected to make the wet fart sound with my armpit, do my little dance and exit stage left, but no one ever uncovers how that fart sound makes me feel. You can't tell me you've never felt the poorer for it.

Those days are now behind us. Courtesy of http://29-95.com, an internet lovesong to Mike's Home Sweet Home of Houston, TX, I am now going to be a recurring feature as a video game reviewer.

I am uniquely qualified for this work. In addition to my astonishing midi-chlorian count, my blood contains equal measures of bitterness and mistaken entitlement. This enables me to thoroughly take game designers to task when they continually insist on pumping out video games that are not directly targeted at my core interests or tuned so I breeze through them while others look on in admiration.

The first object of my disaffection is Sonic and the Black Knight, wherein I bring incisive analysis to the nuances of a game geared for children. Needless to say, I dropped the f-bomb in the first paragraph.

I'm not even begging for diggs or the like (mostly because they aren't using it yet), but feel free to share it around. Hell, do it just to support Mike, whose beautiful artwork was compressed down to the level of neutron star mass. He needs love too.

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A New Breed Of Pimpin [Feb. 17th, 2009|09:20 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Normally I show up here quarterly to mention I wrote something and beg you to pay attention to it, but all of that is going to change. From now I am going to invest myself more deeply in you and what you have to offer.

Speaking of which, vengeance_is_me just did some really excellent, terribly amusing drawings that I wanted to share. I think you'll really enjoy them. Sadly, he drew SO HARD that he slipped into a coma of awesome* and I was forced to surround it with words and publish it on atom.com.

In lieu of flowers, he has asked that you send your well-wishes by clicking on the link to support his work, which will not benefit me in the slightest.

* For those not formally trained in medicine, there is one simple diagnostic test to determine if a coma is caused by awesome. The horned hand is a dead giveaway:

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Looking Through Her Eyes [Nov. 20th, 2008|07:37 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
A quick email from my wife:

"fyi, one of our cereals has macadamia nuts in it. Don't let [the dog] at those since they can cause temporary paralysis. And no doing it just for kicks ;)"

Fuck that. When we got married I was completely up front about my love of animal paralysis. I still have to be ME, you know?
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Category 5 Cuteness [Nov. 12th, 2008|09:03 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Anita and I are trying to choose which picture of Quinn would best fit our annual Xmas card. Which do you think works?











(That was all for you, Mike.)
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You Already Know What This Is [Oct. 12th, 2008|08:17 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Haven't we gone through this charade before? You come here, expecting a connection or at least a shared moment. I invite you in, promising this time I'll be all about your needs and before you know it I've callously tried to pass you another link:

http://community.atom.com/Post/How-Obama-Could-Win-The-Election/06E0C800101800C6E000800A26823

So this is the much ballyhooed writing gig I've been talking about on and off for months. They've brought me on for a ten-week run of weekly articles, which may or may not manifest in further work. It will probably come down to what kind of traffic it draws, since a written blog is counter-current to what most of the site is about. I think if one thing I or Robert write happens to capture the zeitgeist and blow up on the social bookmarking sites, it'll have a good chance, but a lot of that is luck and skillful marketing. As always, I'll appreciate any support you can offer.

As an aside, I am thinking of ditching "internetsensation.com". It was a fun project, but I'm really focused on getting my work to places with a built-in audience rather than scraping to find my own. It's had some tremendous surges, but my life doesn't allow for the frequency of quality posts that would draw repeat blog hits. Or I'm just not that funny (don't tell atom.com until the check clears!). I think an online portfolio with a few featured articles and links to other things I write might be just as worthwhile, an endeavor better represented by my Christian name(.com). Any thoughts? Assuming I didn't just let it lapse, do you think there'd be a market demand for the domain name?

If you stuck it out this long, you deserve a reward. Here, have a picture of my daughter after a 3 day coke and animal cookies bender:



2 years old and counting. Jesus.

EDIT: Looks like Cracked published my latest article today as well. This could be the best day of internetting you'll ever have!
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Internet Knows You're Touching Yourself. And It Forgives You. [Jul. 28th, 2008|10:37 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Internet Loves you. Even when you feel abandoned and alone, Internet is forever watching and guiding your mouse from afar. You need only prostrate yourself before Internet and you will be received into grace.

I know I sound like a True Believer, but ever since I discovered blogging for dollars I've been born again in Internet's glory. That's why I want to share this small pamphlet with you, explaining how it's never too late for anyone to discover the bliss of Internet's embrace.

In reality, the link represents a pretty cool development in my life. Atom.com, formerly atomfilms.com, has picked me up as an official blogger for their site. While they are still all about indie film-making, they've shifted the focus to comedy and wanted some self-indulgent text to go along with it. The current plan is that I'll have a weekly column with them with the occasional longer feature, such as the Comic-con walkthrough above. The weekly entries should begin in August and, while some of the implementation details are still shaky, they should be announced on the front page of the site somewhere.

I won't be quitting my day job any time soon, but this has some pretty rich potential. Atom.com is Viacom, which is Comedy Central, Spike TV and MTV by extension. If this goes well, other doors may well open. In short, as much as I'm content to just share good news with you folks, I'd greatly appreciate your patronage and sharing it with anyone you think would find my stuff entertaining.

You might ask, "If this Internet cares so much, why does it allow innocent computers to suffer at the hands of viruses and spyware?" Internet acts in mysterious ways, my friend.
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For Mike and only Mike [May. 15th, 2008|12:42 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence


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