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A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence

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For Mike and only Mike [May. 15th, 2008|12:41 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
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<img src="http://www.yorapper.com/Photos/you-gonna-get-raped-yorapper.jpg"
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He's So Dreamy [May. 2nd, 2008|06:59 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Normally I don't put much stock in dreams unlocking the desires of our psyche, but the one I had last night was far too memorable to be meaningless. I figure since most of the psychology and sociology majors I knew in school are still out of work, you'll have plenty of time to examine and decipher this for me.

I was Superman. Not in some Freudian construct, but the actual Luthor-bashin', kryptonite-hatin demigod. And like any good installment of a Superman adventure, I was faced with a decision where the fate of many was hanging at the crux of it. On one hand, I was desperately using my super powers to extract people from a rickety old building that was in the direct path of an incoming twister. On the other, I was hanging out with my IRL boss in the lobby, waiting for the arrival of "that French chick we met at summer camp last year" who was "way European" and would "totally put out".


> / <



Lex Luthor was also briefly there, but luckily he was the Luthor of Smallville origin, which meant he was too busy vacillating about whether he was evil or not to really do anything of consequence. But, man, did he look tortured.

Whatever could it mean?
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By Request [Apr. 23rd, 2008|08:02 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Is this America's Next Top Baby Model? Lookin FIERCE, girl!



Ah, that makes more sense. This is Ian's kid after all. Never mind.
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To All The Women I've Loved Before [Mar. 26th, 2008|08:48 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
There is nothing I like better than a hot, funny chick. It's part of the reason I'm such a big fan of Robert's latest atomfilms triumph (Read it, digg it, pimp it suckas). It's the reason that I crushed on Elaine from Seinfeld, even during the early years when the front of her hairdo emulated the aerodynamics of a mack truck:


"So what is the deal with women that double as battering rams?"

Tina Fey runs pretty high on that list too. I don't usually go for the mousy, self-deprecating chicks, but she has an edge. She works in close proximity with Alec Baldwin. The man is so sexy he doesn't even have to comb his own hair - it retains its sheen and form from the hundreds of willing nymphets taking turns tongue-bathing his dome. It's only when she strikes out on her own and speaks publicly about her own non-Baldwin related ideas that she starts to lose her luster:
I think male comedy is more boisterous. Usually it involves robots and sharks and bears. Female comedy is more likely to be about the minutiae of human behavior and relationships.


I take exception to that. I'll gladly concede that my humor tends toward the profane and ridiculous, but that is not the only spectrum I occupy. I am skilled in the arts of parody, skewering topical events, and rabid lotus kung fu. I can be subtle as motherfucking hell! And I'll prove it by effortlessly constructing a joke in Tina's evidently preferred domain.

Q: Why do guys always wait 3 days before using the phone number you gave them?
...Collapse )
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3 Links To Unspeakable Glory [Mar. 17th, 2008|07:13 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Another Cracked.com Article For Your Edification:
http://www.cracked.com/article_16006_8-least-impressive-guinness-world-records.html

Hey, Photoshoppers, Where You At?:
http://shamroq.livejournal.com/166576.html

How far can YOU make it? I lasted precisely one picture:
http://www.cracked.com/forums/topic/29725/a-forum-game-if-you-laugh-you-lose-not-56k-friendly
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Short on time? Skip to the end part about cock. [Feb. 21st, 2008|06:51 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Have you ever heard of Robert Brockway?

Yeah, me neither. But that could be a very temporary thing.

http://www.atomfilms.com/2008/oscars/index.jsp

Since I can only count on some of you to read this far without getting distracted by something shiny on your desk, let me say to click that link and digg the article. If you don't have a digg account, please consider making one so you can participate. If you like the article, please share it with others and ask them to do the same.

Robert / gomijin has begun a mini-revolution. Atomfilms.com, best known for its short films, is hoping to make itself a more comedy driven website. As proof of concept, they fingered gomi as the typewriter monkey with the most potential and asked him to write the VERY funny entry on that link.

While I am very happy for him, I think we all know there isn't a solitary ounce of altruism in me, so here's why I pretend to give a shit. The success of this article has a very real bearing on me having the same opportunity. I've had some contact with the same editor Bob-o has been working with and it looks like there's a good chance for me to work there as well. If it works out it would mean, at a minimum, receiving invaluable exposure on a high profile site at a payrate that works out to better than minimum wage. My hopes range well beyond the minimum possible, but I'm trying to keep my excitement dialed down.

I know a lot of my activity around here lately has been pimping various things so I apologize for constantly pawing at you. What's more, this won't be the last time because should I get an article there I'll be back here begging for the same diggs I want tossed at Rob's masterwork. I can only say that I am quite unexpectedly getting recognition of my writing as a marketable commodity, something I've always dreamed about, and you can play a role in making it happen.

Not interested in making this little boy's dreams come true? Fine. Digg that article and I will SUCK YOUR FILTHY COCK. Lord only knows what I'll do for that next link.
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Happy Valentines Day, Everybody! [Feb. 13th, 2008|10:33 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence


Yeah, I know, it's early. But with the dawn to dusk sexathon I've got planned for tomorrow, I wasn't sure I would have a chance to get this out in time.

On a related note, would someone from the internet be willing to watch my kid for a day or so? She's real friendly.

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Big Pimpin [Feb. 1st, 2008|12:52 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
http://www.cracked.com/article_15827_pimp-my-plate-worlds-most-retardedly-expensive-5-course-meal.html

It's fun AND educational!

I'm pretty pleased with how this turned out. I actually have another article in the works, but it'll likely be another two months before it appears, so you'll just have to refresh this one every day until then. Digg it if you're feeling charitable.

In other news, I haven't had to file any restraining orders of late and thus my LJ is a ghost town. To kick up the juice, lets say that I'm demanding pictures of all of you or I'm going to weep into my pillow frenzcut, though it clearly isn't true. To make it more interesting, choose someone on my frenzlist that you would like to sleep with and declare it so as an accompaniment.

Sexytalk? Is it journal sweeps already?

You're goddamned right it is. Also, I don't know what the hell most of you people look like.
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Houston's Weather Report: Rapey With A 20% Chance Of Jersey Accents [Dec. 18th, 2007|06:40 am]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Before I hit up Mike's house for my begrudging IRL meet-up, I wanted to be prepared. Thankfully, a flush of recently established rape crisis centers had popped up in the area surrounding his house, so I had lots of options. When I entered the first, the room was entirely wallpapered with crude sketch artist rendered mugshots of a heavily bearded man wearing a "SO RAPED" hoodie and pointing out to the room with a cheshire cat grin. The woman behind the counter noticed my quizzical look and interrupted my thoughts with "Yes, it's true. That is how EVERY victim remembers this guy. We don't get it either."

So raped?Collapse )
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My Art Is Better Than Your Art [Dec. 4th, 2007|09:47 pm]
A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Flatulence
Two friends of mine recently engaged in a spirited discussion as to what credibility a writer engenders in the act of being published. Does validation by some corporate entity indicate a level of quality control or is it just a soulless marketing shill? Does a work being undiscovered somehow invalidate its worth? These questions are not easy to contend with, but I think I have arrived at a reasonable answer. Your work as a writer is instantly worth something the moment a NIGGA GETS PAID. And by sheer coincidence, that's exactly what just happened to me. For today only, "6 Singers Who Are Mistaken About Their Raw Sexuality" is also hanging off of cracked.com's front page.

This marks the first time my services have been paid for as a writer. Given how much this caused me to agonize over the quality of the article, I probably invested enough time to effectively earn under minimum wage for my efforts, but it was totally worth it. I fully intend to pitch a few more ideas over there.

I hope you enjoy it and share it with others. Tacking on a few diggs would be rock solid too.
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